I will always think of my Bellingham physician as a kindly
version of Dr. House – the abrasive but insightful head of TV’s fictional “Department
of Diagnostic Medicine.” When I showed
up in November 2015 and described the weird assortment of
symptoms plaguing me, he told me two things.
One was that I appeared to be suffering from Post-Traumatic Stress
Disorder. Many of my acute symptoms indeed
point to the impact of trauma, and the PTSD label has offered a useful
shorthand for the disability that has transformed my life over the last two
years.
But the very first thing my doctor told me was that I needed to read
Facing Codependency, by Pia
Mellody. I promptly bought a copy at Henderson’s
Books, the best used book store in Washington.
I always thought “codependency” referred to the unhealthy
dynamic between substance abusers and their caretaking enablers, a phenomenon
you learn about from cable TV movies on Lifetime, or pamphlets published by
Alcoholics Anonymous and Al-Anon. Nothing
to do with me – I grew up in a Mormon family and never even tasted alcohol till
I was 25, and my boyfriends and partners have all been light drinkers at most. Other than Skinny Pharmacist introducing me
to fancy wine tastings years ago. (However, there is something to be said about the power trip you get from dating a guilty
smoker. Something unhealthy, as I now
realize.)
It took me six months to finish the first chapter of Facing Codependency. Admittedly I was so anhedonic last year I couldn’t
read any other books either, but this was suspiciously avoidant behavior. I’ve always been the avoidant type, and you
can learn a lot by examining what I avoid most.
As the author insightfully points out throughout her book.
It turns out “codependency” can also refer to a disorder
separate from the dynamic between addicts and enablers. It is an emotional and behavioral condition
that affects an individual’s ability to have healthy, mutually satisfying
relationships. Codependents share traits
such as:
·
Denial patterns, like difficulty identifying one’s
own feelings; masking pain in humor, anger, and isolation; and communicating
passive-aggressively (which seems perfectly normal in Seattle)
·
Low self-esteem patterns, like perfectionism,
indecisiveness, and reliance on others’ approval
·
Compliance patterns, like hypervigilance for
others’ feelings, and putting aside their own interests to do what others want
·
Control patterns, like the compulsion to take
care of others
·
Avoidance patterns, like pushing others away, evading
direct conflict, and allowing addictions to distract from achieving intimacy in
relationships
Two codependents have sex. In the afterglow one says to the other, "Well it was good for you, how was it for me?"
Codependents grow up in an environment where they never
develop the necessary tools for valuing and expressing their individual identities, or for maintaining healthy personal boundaries.
Many codependent individuals come from homes affected by addiction, but
others do not. Like me.
Last fall, when I finally had the strength and courage to read
Facing Codependency, I knocked my
head against a passage late in the book that probably jolts many readers. The author offers two insights in quick
succession – that you the codependent reader are busy thinking “my parents are
wonderful people, I can’t accuse them of neglect or abuse” – unless you are busy
thinking “OMG someone needs me to stop me from messing up my own kids.”
In response, her advice is twofold. First, remember bad things can happen even
when no one intends to cause harm. And
second, worry about your own progress out of codependency, and the kids will be
alright.
I am blessed with loving parents and children. We will all be alright.
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