Thursday, October 10, 2019

I am a Sitcom Dad


Three actual father-daughter dialogues, on the occasion of my first Sehome High School Homecoming football game


[in the living room]

ELEANOR:       I have a headache.

PAPA:                I have a sinus infection. 

ELEANOR:       Don’t give me MRSA.

PAPA:                Do you know the difference between a “malingerer” and a “hypochondriac”? Why can’t we both go to bed now?

ELEANOR:       Homecoming.

PAPA:                I’ll grab my keys and change out of my sweatpants.



[in the front row of the minivan]

ELEANOR:       [suspiciously] Papa, are you writing?

PAPA:                Why do you ask?  

ELEANOR:       I can tell. 

PAPA:                How? [wondering if anyone else has noticed his perpetually beatific expression lately]

ELEANOR:       Your nostrils flare.


[approaching Civic Field]

PAPA:                Did I tell you Vancouver Men’s Chorus has been invited to sing the national anthem at a major sports event? We have a lovely new a cappella arrangement. Unfortunately, I memorized “Oh, Canada” when I was in elementary school in the 1970s, so it’s much too late for me to learn the new inclusive language.

ELEANOR:       Will you be televised?

PAPA:                Maybe on cable somewhere. It’s the International Gay Curling Championships.

ELEANOR:       Grandpa will watch it. He loves curling.




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